Friday, January 31st 2020
Doing better than yesterday. Still a bit emotional but nowhere near the level it was yesterday. Otherwise feeling good.
Saturday, February 1st 2020
It’s a little cruel to be up so early on a weekend. Because I leave my house by 7am and give myself my injection before I leave, I have to be up at 7am on the weekends to do the same. I could do my injections once I get to work but then that would mean my evening injection would be around 9pm and sometimes when I’m tired from stims I’m in bed asleep by then. I made the most of my early rise and took some bits and pieces to the op-shop. I couldn’t resist picking up a few maternity items. I was feeling a bit guilty about it. I’m trying so hard not to get my hopes up. If it doesn’t work for whatever reason this month, I will be so gutted. But can’t help thinking that I could be pregnant in the next few weeks! I pray I am pregnant in the next few weeks. I had a bit or a meltdown with my bestie, and she spoke her bestie words of wisdom! She encouraged me that the life I was creating deserves my excitement and that I was excited anyway so suppressing that wasn’t going to help anything. If it doesn’t work, we’ll cross that bridge if we get there. I have been feeling tired so put myself to bed at 9.30pm.
Sunday, February 2nd 2020
I woke up around 4am having the most horrible dream! I was in a cafeteria, having just had a routine procedure (I think just a scan maybe except I was asleep). When I woke up, they causally told me that I had cancer and that they had taken my ovaries out! I was distraught but they didn’t seem concerned. I kept wanting to know if my fertility specialist knew but no one had answers. At one point I was crouched against a vending machine. I think I was wearing a hospital gown. I had my hospital chart, for some reason under my butt (maybe covering it while in a busy cafeteria) and when I moved it, it was covered with biley diarrhoea – so gross but so vivid in my dream. Then all of these people came in, people from my past, mostly people I don’t trust and would not be ok with them being in a vulnerable situation with me. They all had kids with them, and I just kept crying and excused myself. I went to a counter, where the receptionist from my GP was on the phone. I gave her my chart and she told me not to worry about the poop all over it. I went to ask her something and wok up in a panic. It was horrible. I then couldn’t go back to sleep. I woke up with cramping in my ovaries, which hopefully means they’re growing nicely. After two hours I hauled myself to the lounge and watched some Dawson’s Creek. Did my injection around 7am. About 8am, with a heat pack over my ovaries, I fell asleep on the couch, for 4 hours! During that nap I had another dream where I knew I had a baby, but I couldn’t find it. I was in a house and searching for the baby and I couldn’t find it. It wasn’t quite as awful as my nightmare during the night, but it still wasn’t pleasant. I’ve been really tired today and besides meal prepping I have taken it easy. I’m hoping the bad dreams stop. But I know that even though I’m positive and optimistic they are just my body holding the gravity of what I’m doing… all my fears that I might never get to hold my own baby in my arms.
My injections have been a bit sore today. I read that after a while the skin starts getting tight as it’s now used to the injections and is like ‘piss off, that hurts’. You can also see several pin picks in my skin now.
Monday, February 3rd 2020
Feeling a little rough today. Headaches are a bit more intense and feeling very tired. Otherwise I’m feeling pretty good. Sleep well so that was a positive.
Tuesday, February 4th 2020
Feeling exhausted today. I slept well over night but could not wake up with my alarm. I snoozed so much it was a wonder I got up at all. All I’ve wanted to do all day is go to bed. Taking Panadol regularly. Went to bed by 9pm.