After finding myself in a new place; my relationship ending after nearly two years and planning a future together and processing two miscarriages. I was a little lost and so have been on (and continue on) a journey of trying to figure out who I am and what I want from my life. I had been single for a long time prior and I thought that part of my life was over. Getting so close to my dream and suddenly having it all gone was so incredibly heartbreaking and disorientating.
The first thing I realised was, that I stopped learning and doing new things for myself while I was in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I was still growing in that relationship, learning new things about me and another person through that experience. I’m a pretty accomplished person with multiple degrees and post graduate studies, a career as a social worker, I’ve travelled, and I have amazing friendships. I had an array of hobbies and challenged myself to learn new skills. All I had left to do was settle down and have a family. I felt fulfilled with all my accomplishments and being in a relationship added to that. And yet when my relationship ended, despite still having everything else I had accomplished, I felt empty and wasn’t quite sure who I was in this new place in my life. One of the things I challenged myself on through the breakup was finding new things that I wanted to try, just for me. Firstly, to give me something to focus on besides how much I missed being in a relationship. Secondly to find new happiness elsewhere. And Thirdly to keep growing and to be the best version of myself because ultimately, I want to be in another relationship at some point and to attract the best I need to be at my best. And so, the blog ‘Just a Little JoJo’ was conceived- Blogging being one thing I wanted to try and also to share other new things I was trying such as trying to be a gardener when I’m clearly not a gardener.
The second thing that has become clear to me, is just what my dreams are and that I’m not willing to sacrifice those. One day I had everything I ever wanted and within weeks it was all gone. The grief overwhelmed me, and I couldn’t see any possible way I would ever be able to have the things I wanted most in my life. Once out of my grief bubble and off the hormone roller coaster I did what I have always done, I empowered myself! My future was in my hands and no one else’s! I started seeing a fertility specialist, at first because I wanted to be armed with any information for the future. In my head, my plan was to start dating when I was ready again, take my time to fall in love and when we were ready start trying to have a family again. My plan was to make sure there wasn’t anything preventable getting in the way of me having a successful pregnancy and preserve my fertility. Women have babies in their 40s (I was 36 at this point)- You got this!! And while that was the initial thinking of my fertility specialist too, it was not how things unfolded. Firstly, I discovered that I have Factor V Leiden, a blood clotting disorder which (because I’m heterozygous meaning I only have the mutation on one gene) means that I have a lowish, but more than the average person, risk of having blood clots or DVTs. However, when pregnant the risk of clotting increases anyway so I will need to be on blood thinners through pregnancy to prevent miscarriage, eclampsia and late term still birth. That would’ve been OK – knowledge is power – however I was actually tested for this about 10 years ago and incorrectly told the test was negative. Knowing that I might have prevented my miscarriages was devastating. The next thing I found out is that I have low anti-Mullerian hormone (AMH) which basically tells me I have a lower than normal number of eggs for my age. While I’m thinking ‘Women have babies in their 40s’, my ovaries already think I’m in my 40s. From that point my decision was easy. I was honestly born to be a mum. So, if there is any risk that might not happen while I put it off to find love, I’m not taking it. I actually stopped writing on the blog because I knew that I was meant to share about this journey, but I just wasn’t ready yet- but now I am.
So Just a Little JoJo has evolved. I don’t want it to be just a ‘fertility’ or ‘single mother’ blog, I never wanted it to be one thing. It’s about journeying together, wherever that leads- it just so happens that this is where I am in my life. So, in addition to gardening, cooking, lifestyle, and everything else Just a Little JoJo is I will also be bringing you along on the ride that is fertility treatments, becoming a single mum, dating while trying to become a single mum… Just a Little bit more JoJo 🙂