Have you ever had an encounter or experience and it was exactly what you needed for that precise moment in time? I personally believe those are moments sent to me from God, little moments of love; a hug from a father. You might believe they are from someone or something else and that’s ok. I’ve had too many to feel like they are coincidences. Like, I turn on my car and it’s randomly switched the radio station to something obscure and the song playing is exactly what I need to hear. Or, I’m walking along the street with my headphones in and the song I’m listening to crescendos into the chorus, ‘Let your love rain down’ as the clouds simultaneously burst open in a little sun shower which lasts exactly the length of the chorus. Maybe, a chance encounter with an Aboriginal elder at the doctor’s surgery- me sobbing, him speaking words of truth and love to a complete stranger (a weird one who was crying uncontrollably). I’ve had a million of these moments of blessing, but I could’ve missed them. I could’ve gotten caught up in the daily grind, or the pressures of my situation and ignored the opportunities they gave me to grow and heal. I think it’s important for us to stop and take in life, recognising and accepting the gifts of love all around, to be present and have the world offer so much.
This weekend I’m feeling pretty sombre. There are a lot of memories lingering from this time last year. You see, I had a missed miscarriage, meaning my baby had died but my body didn’t miscarry naturally. By this time last year, it was already over one week since I’d found out that my baby had died, and I was ‘waiting for it to pass’. I’d had some very minor spotting and was getting quite crampy and sore, but there were no real signs of it happening naturally. I had been to my doctor after a week of waiting (a sobbing mess where I met my Aboriginal angel), telling him I couldn’t cope with it anymore. The change – one day praying anything that I could keep my baby inside me to over the next week praying anything that it would leave me – messed with my head. Although he agreed, I shouldn’t wait anymore, the hospital processes still meant I was waiting. I had to have more doctors’ appointments and because it was late in the week, I was booked in for a D&C on the following Monday. The Monday was 11 days after I was first told the baby had no heartbeat. This wait took its toll and so one year ago I was at home, alone, waiting but now praying it didn’t happen naturally. I just didn’t feel emotionally strong enough for the physical side of a natural miscarriage. So fast forward a year and knowing the significance of this weekend in my journey, coupled with some uncomfortable symptoms due to my recent hormone treatments for egg freezing, I’ve planned a weekend on the couch with Netflix to keep me company.
This afternoon, I decided to walk to my local shop for some snacks, then I was going straight back home to my heater, doona and remote control. As I was walking the 5-minute stretch of path, I remembered that I had seen that some of the ducks had returned to our lake this week after the winter. I’ve been going to that lake and visiting with those ducks (well maybe not those exact ducks- but you know what I mean) since I was a little girl. I wandered over to see if I could find the ducks. What happen though – the ducks, I think, found me. And so, I spent 45 minutes sitting on the edge of the lake with the ducks. Sometimes I was crying, sometimes feeling the peace of their presence wash over me, sometimes feeling joy at being so close to these beautiful creatures and sometimes taking selfies (because that’s what you do when you catch up with old friends). They paddled around in the water, sometimes getting out and walking over to me, all less than a metre from me where I sat in the mud. Even a magpie came over a stood beside me for a while, his wise gaze checking if I was ok. I hadn’t cried yet around this anniversary time, and I didn’t feel I needed to necessarily, but I have felt a bit of a weight. As I sat and watched these enchanting, wild birds, so peaceful, so close- as though they were there to comfort me, I did feel a little overcome. But not overcome with grief, as I have so many times this past year, just overcome with love. It was a really special time.
I could’ve chosen to stay inside and not venture out. I could’ve decided to go into the shop and head straight back home. I could’ve decided to walk around the lake, spot the ducks and keep going. But I didn’t, I sat down in the wet dirt in my freshly clean clothes and just was. There were so many little decisions that I made on that walk that lead me to what I would call a heart moment, a moment I needed this weekend. So, whatever your situation, wherever you are at in your life – make the decision to just be. Allow yourself to feel the significant in the insignificant moments. I believe it will make you a more whole, a more healed, and all-round just happier person.